Goodbye to an Old Friend and acqaintences...

I had heard the rumors over the past year, but both my wife and I had hoped beyond measure that they weren't true. Unfortunately, the rumours were true. Jeff & Judi Burke, two of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet in a lifetime, and after only being with them four times in our life felt like they were already lifetime friends, were retiring. Now, you may ask, why is it such a sad thing for two people to be able to retire and settle down in their later years? There is a good reason. Not that I would ever begrudge them their long deserved reward, but it brings about the end of a certain era that means almost more to us than anything. It was a kind of starting point for us. As the door to our relationship was opening wider each day, the meeting of the Burke's and their place flung that very door wide open. And i couldn't say that any happier if I tried.

The Burke's own one of the best properties anyone could ever ask for. They own a Light House Inn.
On the Tip of Robinson Point, on Isle Au Haut, an island off the coast of Maine near Bar harbor, stands a 60ft tall lighthouse, with a ramp that extends all the way across tot he four room "Keeper's House". The original house that used to keep family after family safe and at work for about a hundred years as light keeps for the Coast Guard, had been bought in 1986 by the Burke's and converted to a small bed & breakfast.

I had first heard about the inn at least a couple of years before meeting my wife, and as I had always had an immense love of lighthouses, it was only natural that i share the information with her. At a time when new young love was taking hold and just about every place we went was an adventure, it was only a short time before we made pout way to the far reaches of the Maine coast of Stonnington, in Bull Hills, to take the small mail boat "Minke" out past the other islands dotting the bay to our next wave of excitement.

Upon docking at the old boat house and walking up a ramp that was slightly down reaching to us on the boat, we were greeted by our host, Jeff Burke. At once, I could see an incredible and uncanny resemblance to a favorite author, Stephen King. Jeff was a soft spoken man, probably one of the most soft spoken people I have ever met. I don't think he could have yelled at anyone if he had tried too. He led us up to the house with another couple that was also staying there. We were introduced to his wife, Judi, so did all the cooking on a huge wood stove. What made the Keepers house so unique was that It had no phones, or electricity. Jeff would at night go around and light kerosene lanterns thru out the house, which gave off a comforting orange/yellow glow. And each room had two candles to light for yourselves at night. The feeling that one gets from walking on the island and walking into the House was: "I'm Home.'

We spent two wonderful days, in the Keeper's room, which looked out onto the main tower in the front yard facing the ocean. It was designed so that the light keeper, while sleeping at night would be able to look out at a moments notice and see if the light was still lit. Both times that we visited the island we strayed in that room.

While the other couples that were staying in the inn, during the day, took their homemade lunch from Judi and went on their way hiking thru beautiful trails for the entire day, my wife and myself took advantage of the solitude and stayed relaxing in the Adirondack chairs on the lawn, reading and dozing, in the cool ocean breeze on a fine sunlit day. This was the way a vacation was supposed to be. At night, after an incredible gourmet supper prepared by Judi, we would watch the sun sink into the sea and then retire to the living room and listen to Jeff tell us stories about past inn stayers and other things that he knew about. It was all so perfect. In the end, when it was time to leave after the second day there, while our mailboat pulled away and we waved to Jeff one last time from the ever distancing boathouse, Liseanne cried. After two whole days, it was like leaving a home that you wished you never had to leave. even myself got teary eyed.

A year or two later we returned again, both Jeff and Judi, even after a certain amount of time and countless visiting tennents, they still remembered us. When we pulled into the pier and got off, it was such a familiar feeling. Those last two days, were some of the finest, because after spending an afternoon shooting the shit with Jeff and even helping him do some work on the boat house, I had told him of my plans that I was thinking of asking Liseanne to marry me. he looked at me and said, "what are you waiting for boy, get yourself out of here and go get her and ask her that." it was as is were knew each other so well that I wouldn't even question him. I smiled at him and waved and made my Way out of the boat house and into the afternoon rain. The rain had somewhat ruined the other visitors plans so everyone was in the living room talking. I went in and grabbed her and took her outside onto the ramp leading up tot he tower. I made small talk for about a min and then asked her to marry me. It was at that point that the rain stopped and the clouds broke and a stream of sunlight fell on us. She grabbed me hugged me and cried, out of joy of course. And once again, when it was time to leave, it was with great sorrow. We said we would be back again, and Jeff said he was looking forward to it. But as the tower vanished into the distance, I remembered something inside me saying that this might be the last time. It was.

We got married a year later and had a child right away, not planned but hey it was perfect anyways. But we never got back there. To our place where we knew we belonged.

Over the past three night, I have been reading Jeff's book called Island Lighthouse Inn, which we bought on our last stay. I read him chapter three tonight. I wanted our son, who's 8, to hear what it was like for us. He hasn't complained yet and he asked me questions after the readings. tonight I read about the chair. I had forgotten that. About how when Jeff was trying to get the Inn ready he had one piece of furniture that was so ugly it had no lace in the House. When he left it in the boathouse and finally say in it, and found how comfy it was, it stayed right there. I had fallen asleep in that very chair. I knew I had to look up the lighthouse again and see what was going on. It was for sale and they were retiring. We would never be going back there again. They were looking for buyers. and believe me, if I had the money, It would be mine right now. But alas its not to be. We will both have the fondest of memories of a place that has once been one of the most important places in our lives.

it is with a heavy heart that we say goodbye to our old friend the Lighthouse and out old acquaintances, Jeff & Judi Burke. I hope they enjoy their retirement in the way that that deserve.
Fare Thee Well.

Maybe i have it figured out... or not

Well its been about two weeks since the last posting. Not a whole lot has changed. Except maybe realizing how much more in debt we really are. I was going to say poorer, but i didn't want to make us sound totally destitute, and yet, I think we might actually be approaching that particular landing pad.

Over the past two weeks, we have had to juggle a great deal of where our available money from our checks has been gong too. You know, such as, what bill gets paid and the sort, and also how much money is there gong to be left over for us to live on. Lets just say that my Mom, who is 89 and lives on whats considered poverty level, has been giving us money to help us get by on a week to week basis. Oh its not really alot, you know like just enough for us to both get as int he cars and stuff. Oh at first i really didn't want to, i mean I really didn't want to but embarrassing enough, it didn't take me long to cave in. But I make sure that's shes not restricting herself. I guess its that "mother's love" kind of thing. And she really does love my wife.

We've had to learn alot about getting along in a world without the instant gratification of living on credit cards. Our cards are maxxed out, so we cant use them. We have to try to make things stretch a little more than usual, and its not all that easy. There's one day a week where we have to babysit my sister - in-laws two young children, she has a sitter most of the time, but I think to help conserve money, we help out. My sister in law is quite nice and I do love her alot. But when the kids come over they do tend to eat and drink a whole lot. and right now its not a good time for that. I know that my sister in Law, Nicole< class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">alot of money woes also, but They don't realize how much more we're into it. You would think that they might bring a bit of their food over. My wife doesn't really like that I think that way. But hell, I have to think about us right now.

Anyways, living on the edge with not much money makes you feel a certain amount of humility. And that's the point that i want to make. Being brought down a whole lot of levels to feel the humility that we as both a couple and as individuals have either forgotten or never have gotten to a level like this to know what it is. And hence the title of this blog.

Not everybody may agree with me on this, but hear me out. The current economic downfall, is hitting everyone world wide. not just the Unites States, but everywhere. I have been watching recently on the history channel several specials dedicated to the upcoming event that is supposed to happen on December 21, 2012. So many ideas about what may be happening or what could or might happen. What kind of totally global event could possibly take place to reduce our population to a mere fraction of what it was. What could be so mind numbing that when we find out what happens that all we will want to do is sit on a hill and wait for it, or unless you have criminal tendencies, steal and rob and maim and all that good stuff. But maybe, just maybe it isn't something that's so tangible like that. What if its something that's happening now and we wont really see bottom until that date. What if, this is God's way of punishing us without destroying the world. What if its just and incredible amount of Humility that we all have to take every day, twice a day, making us frown at the thought of it like tasting the acidic mintiness of NyQuil. And what if its a humility so bad that we will not ever take anything for granted again. What if its just that. Humility.

I'm not Nostradamus, but the other night I was thinking and all of a sudden it came to me. Of course, it the humility of it all. Something that most if not all of us has totally forgotten. it's really to late now, to do anything about it and we have to ride it out, like a wild storm until it passes. Until its able to start getting better. Maybe its just so easy that our punishment is our own selves devaluing of life, that is going to teach us all a lesson. What it...?

Living on Borrowed time...

It's been about a week and a half since I've written here, but as some of you may know, if anyone has read here, I did say that I was pretty terrible at keeping up with this kind of stuff. So I suppose only one small apology is needed.

I entitled this post the way I did for a reason. I wanted to talk a little bit about the situation that my family is going thru at the moment. This morning when i got up I was thinking that I was going to relate the whole thing here, but since my second cup of coffee, I have reconsidered that. The reason is that we are presently really trying to deal with the whole financial crisis on our own level, and it would be so easy to just go on and on and on, and then it would probably put me in a crappy mood, so I'm going to refrain from the whole thing. However i do want to relate some things.

Like some many people out there, our expenses has way over gone our income. Nothing new in today's economy. Everyone seems to be in the same boat. That doesn't make us extra special in that way. However, when it's you in that boat, well it doesn't make you feel more than extra special in that way. With credit cards maxed out, the way of life that anyone is used to changes dramatically. When you have a credit card, and your using it for just about everything, well you know in the back of your mind that you should be making changes and calming down with it, but when its all you have, you at the same time, while you are using that card to live on, you have a tendency to throw caution to the wind and do other things, because you really don't want your lifestyle to change. It's human nature and I for one don't think we can be totally faulted for that.

So now, with cards maxed out, and no funds to keep up with the outrageous credit card bills that we accrued, there is not much of an option, but to seek legal help, and we all know what that means. freedom from debt is what all the lawyer's websites tell us, as long as there are no extenuating circumstances. In our case however, there are. Just one little sticking point to free us from a good chunk of debt burden. But we have to wait a few more weeks to get to that point, which is the consultation meeting. Which by the way they want you to pay for the whole service right away. There in lies another problem.

When starting to file for bankruptcy, the main idea is that you have no money or not enough money to pay for anything. But when you do go for it, you need to pay for the entire thing up front. How can you do that when you have no money to begin with. Apparently it seems it depends on which lawyer you have. I'm hoping the one we have will allow us to do payment plans.

Now I'm not going to talk about the sticking point because it's really just going to piss me off, and on my day off, I really don't want to feel that way. I'm sure you will understand. But now our big thing is to try to pay our regular bills with whatever little money we have saved by not paying our over-stressing credit cards. Since paying our regular bills and services are more important, i don't feel bad about not doing the others. it's a matter of priorities,although I'm sure my loving wife will tell you differently.

One of the really bad effects of over burdening debt is emotional stress on the family. Whether the family is big or small, the effect is the same, no one is exempt from it. Your little ones can suffer the most from it when you and your spouse butt heads on the subject. it's not a good thing, and no matter how strong your marriage is, its going to have some kind of effect on the both of you. I will say that, my wife and myself, have the most stable marriage I cold have ever wished for. We never have a bid fight, only small little disagreements from time to time, but even this stuff, is affecting us somewhat. Although we would never let it interfere with the way we feel about each other for let it affect our child. We are committed to each other one hundred percent.

But reading all the stories in the paper of families being torn apart because of financial problems and more, it is easy to see how that can happen if you let it. I think its the point of this whole posting today.

I'm not making excuses for the jam that we're in, but I am telling everyone that there are some ways out of it in a way, and that you have to look for them and take them no matter what you may think it will do to you later. You need to fix things, so you can eventually live a better life. yes we did this, but the companies are also to blame for drawing us in and then hitting us with everything that they have to get more money from us. responsibilities are best done on both sides of the fence. Both parties. So all the stories of husbands going off the deep end and doing very bad things to themselves and they're families as well as their wives is an extreme issue. I feel bad for the remaining families that have to deal with the repercussions of such decisions, but it is happening.

Right now, for my family, we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that doesn't mean that its not there. It just means that we haven't gone thru it far enough yet to see it. That's all.

Death don't have no mercy...

About an hour ago, before I started writing the previous post, I received a email from a old friend. he was a drummer in one of the old bands I played in quite a number of years ago. His email stated that another former member of the same band had passed away a few days ago and the wake was being held tomorrow afternoon. He didn't explain what had happened to him but he repeated what was obviously the obit in the local paper.
Reading that gave me this weird feeling. I think that at sometime in our short lives we have all felt that way. You kind of reflect on things. The band members name was Mark. He was 42. And just to give you a frame of reference, he was 16 and youngest member of the band when we started it. Now you know how long ago it was.
Mark wasn't the bad sort, he was young, talented on the keyboards and into the same kind of music as we all were. we were deadheads. we stared as a tribute band to the Dead and then after a few years expanded into other music as well as originals. Mark never wanted to expand. he was a tried and true deadhead. We all went to the concerts together and we partied together as well, during practices and actual shows, but hey, that's why we sounded so good!
But sometimes, the drugs got in the way. Not for all of us, but mark, being the youngest member and the lead guitarist being the most "garcia" like player, made me soul mates in drugs. And soon it wasn't long before they both blew off practices because they were waiting to find out if they were going to be able to score that night. That eventually brought an end to the group as it was.
It was hard for me at that time because I was so into playing and being on stage. I was only the Bass Player and back up singer. but it was my life then. And i blamed the two of them for taking it away from us, from me. I guess I'm not that must more different from anyone else, and i held a grudge for a while maybe like a year and a half until someone in town was having a party and wanted to get the group together for it. I was of course all for it, but one for the drummers wasn't to much into it and grudgingly agreed to do it. of course we were all happy once we did out first practice. it was like we never stopped playing. It was the greatest feeling, and in my mind I was thinking, if this works, we might even get it together again. Mark was older and he seemed more grounded.
After a few days of practice, the party came up, we got the equipment moved, set up and the party began. somethings never change though. It wasn't a professional gig, it was for fun, but when members of the band are already half lit before the fist set stars, you know there's a problem. It was mark that was the trend setter there. The fist set still sounded great, but as each set went on, it was less and less together. When the party was done, I should have been in a much better mood, and along with two other members took out stuff home, ragging about how the night went. Mark was the problem.
Years went by and two of the other members of the band and myself started an acoustic trio that was good for about four years before one became disenchanted with it. At that time while we were playing, we saw mark come to our shows a number of times, each time offering his valued keyboard to our music. we graciously refused and he would leave with his tail between his legs. He was an alright guy let me reaffirm this, but he had problems that we didn't need to take on the road.
After that band broke up, it was the end for us. none of us played in groups anymore as we all found out real lives with some else. It was ok, although to this day I miss playing. Two years ago, was about the last time i met mark, it was in a market somewhere. we talked briefly and i think we was working in a restaurant somewhere cooking. The last thing he said to me was, "we should get together sometime and play." I smiled at him and nodded. That was the last time i saw him.
Before I started writing this, I stared at the briefly written email that Phil sent me, and all of this stuff played thru it like some old 16mm projector. All those years of playing together, you get to know people really well. Sometimes to well. And sometimes, their brief lives just grazes yours enough to make an impression for a little while. Mark was a good keyboard player that could have been great had he let it happen. he was an alright guy that had just gone a little to far to the wrong side and couldn't find his way back. I can't say that I'll miss him, but he was one of us for a long time. And that's something that you just don't forget. You might misplace it, but you don't forget it.
Maybe I really will try to get to the wake.

Dedicated to Ugly Rumors & Rising Tide...

Better late than never...

Well, I did say it in my first post that I would "try" to keep up with the blog and to my own credit I was true to my word. I did try. But procrastination is always one of those things that's hardest to get past, especially when there are so many other things that you need to do that seem to bit just a bit more important. However, this does give me the chance to fill in anyone that wants to read this with what has happened over the past week or so.

As I work in a retail environment, it was one of the easiest things to notice when the economy started to slide. I know, here he goes hoping up on the economy again. Well, let's just say I have too in this case. It wasn't my intention to do really do that here in this blog, but be that as it may, I am putting in my two cents. And why is that?

I work in a "Staples" office supply store in MA. I wont mention the location just in case this makes its way back to the powers that be. After demoting myself in late 2007 from a full time useless position of a tech dept lead, I ended up becoming a regular full time tech associate, retaining my "lead" pay but without any of the hassles of being in even the slightest position of authority. This began a golden time for me. Associate of the month in 2008 and still holding on to my full time vacation and personal days. But then in the summer, we noticed a change in the amount of customers coming in. Everyday it was less and less. This was the shift to a worsening economy, although no one was willing to admit it at that point.
Christmastime was lackluster and as opposed to the amount of products we got in to the amount we received in the year before was a telltale sign that the company,while not wanting to verbally admit it, was now in the beginning phases of realizing there really was a economic disaster just over the hill. And they acted on it accordingly.

Now a week ago, I was informed that three of us full timers were having our positions eliminated. The manager was heartfelt and nice enough about it, but he was just doing what the corporate directive was telling him to do. It had nothing to do with the fact that i was a great worker and that they wanted to keep me on, no it was just a matter of getting rid of full timers, with of course the stipulation that we could either choose to take an, in my case, one week severance package and then leave the company as of March first, or stay and as of that date become just another part timer, with no guarantee of hours. OH and did I mention that this was told to me 45 Min's before i was scheduled to leave for the day and that I had to let him know by 8:00am the next morning. Not allot of time to stew about it and then try to make a rational decision based on reality. i spoke to my wife and after some deliberation, found that the best thing to do was to stay with them and go part time and to just keep working while I looked for another full time job. So basically, that what we have been doing, just working our schedules and waiting until the change over while we look.
Do you know what that like? It's like waiting for your own execution to happen. You find that your attitude, that was usually pretty well stout everyday, was not in the shit can. You know you have to do your job, but its not the same anymore. plus you know that the company doesn't care about you in the least. All of this is making a great chemical imbalance in my own head and life. I know that I'm just one in a number of thousands with the same story, but when it happens to you, its of course a very personal thing. hence this rant of mine. I really did intend for this to be a little bit shorter, but until you start writing about it, you find that its like going to confession. your afraid to start, but once you start it just pours out of you. So for the record, yours truly is now available for work. I do graphic design and photographic work. There, that's my shameless plug for myself.

Thanks for listening.

The First One

Welcome to the first posting of my new blog. For my first time here, I'll try to keep things simple and just mention a few things that i'm going to try to accomplish here.

I'm pretty much a simple person trying to exsist in a very complex world, whichI'm sure we are all trying to do. Some probably more successful than others. I have a very loving and supportive wife, LiseAnne, and believe me she is very loving and very supportive. If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't even be doing this, even though I had thought of it many times before. But Since she had started one, well I figured it was time for me to do my thing. I'll list her blog site later on here.

I also have a great Seven year old son, Hunter, who is going to be turning eight in Feb. he the most awesome kid anyone could hopt to have. I'm sure I'll be talking about him later also at sometime.

But I'm here to give my thoughts and opinions on a variety of subjects as well as feature some of the things that i actually do. One of the tasks I have set for myself as part of this blog is to feature some of my work. I do pro photography and graphic design as well as write. So you can expect all kinds of things to crop up in here.

You can also expect me to give my very opinionated view on a series of subjects such as movies, music, books and even comics and graphic novels. But basiclly you can expect to encounter almsot anything here. I can't promise that I'm going to write in here everyday, but I will certainly try, although i'm sure my wife will remind me to do it.

So, I just wanted to say for the first time, Welcome, and I hope you will come by to check and see what's going on and maybe even subscribe if you see something that interests you.

Welcome to my World.