Living on Borrowed time...

It's been about a week and a half since I've written here, but as some of you may know, if anyone has read here, I did say that I was pretty terrible at keeping up with this kind of stuff. So I suppose only one small apology is needed.

I entitled this post the way I did for a reason. I wanted to talk a little bit about the situation that my family is going thru at the moment. This morning when i got up I was thinking that I was going to relate the whole thing here, but since my second cup of coffee, I have reconsidered that. The reason is that we are presently really trying to deal with the whole financial crisis on our own level, and it would be so easy to just go on and on and on, and then it would probably put me in a crappy mood, so I'm going to refrain from the whole thing. However i do want to relate some things.

Like some many people out there, our expenses has way over gone our income. Nothing new in today's economy. Everyone seems to be in the same boat. That doesn't make us extra special in that way. However, when it's you in that boat, well it doesn't make you feel more than extra special in that way. With credit cards maxed out, the way of life that anyone is used to changes dramatically. When you have a credit card, and your using it for just about everything, well you know in the back of your mind that you should be making changes and calming down with it, but when its all you have, you at the same time, while you are using that card to live on, you have a tendency to throw caution to the wind and do other things, because you really don't want your lifestyle to change. It's human nature and I for one don't think we can be totally faulted for that.

So now, with cards maxed out, and no funds to keep up with the outrageous credit card bills that we accrued, there is not much of an option, but to seek legal help, and we all know what that means. freedom from debt is what all the lawyer's websites tell us, as long as there are no extenuating circumstances. In our case however, there are. Just one little sticking point to free us from a good chunk of debt burden. But we have to wait a few more weeks to get to that point, which is the consultation meeting. Which by the way they want you to pay for the whole service right away. There in lies another problem.

When starting to file for bankruptcy, the main idea is that you have no money or not enough money to pay for anything. But when you do go for it, you need to pay for the entire thing up front. How can you do that when you have no money to begin with. Apparently it seems it depends on which lawyer you have. I'm hoping the one we have will allow us to do payment plans.

Now I'm not going to talk about the sticking point because it's really just going to piss me off, and on my day off, I really don't want to feel that way. I'm sure you will understand. But now our big thing is to try to pay our regular bills with whatever little money we have saved by not paying our over-stressing credit cards. Since paying our regular bills and services are more important, i don't feel bad about not doing the others. it's a matter of priorities,although I'm sure my loving wife will tell you differently.

One of the really bad effects of over burdening debt is emotional stress on the family. Whether the family is big or small, the effect is the same, no one is exempt from it. Your little ones can suffer the most from it when you and your spouse butt heads on the subject. it's not a good thing, and no matter how strong your marriage is, its going to have some kind of effect on the both of you. I will say that, my wife and myself, have the most stable marriage I cold have ever wished for. We never have a bid fight, only small little disagreements from time to time, but even this stuff, is affecting us somewhat. Although we would never let it interfere with the way we feel about each other for let it affect our child. We are committed to each other one hundred percent.

But reading all the stories in the paper of families being torn apart because of financial problems and more, it is easy to see how that can happen if you let it. I think its the point of this whole posting today.

I'm not making excuses for the jam that we're in, but I am telling everyone that there are some ways out of it in a way, and that you have to look for them and take them no matter what you may think it will do to you later. You need to fix things, so you can eventually live a better life. yes we did this, but the companies are also to blame for drawing us in and then hitting us with everything that they have to get more money from us. responsibilities are best done on both sides of the fence. Both parties. So all the stories of husbands going off the deep end and doing very bad things to themselves and they're families as well as their wives is an extreme issue. I feel bad for the remaining families that have to deal with the repercussions of such decisions, but it is happening.

Right now, for my family, we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that doesn't mean that its not there. It just means that we haven't gone thru it far enough yet to see it. That's all.

Death don't have no mercy...

About an hour ago, before I started writing the previous post, I received a email from a old friend. he was a drummer in one of the old bands I played in quite a number of years ago. His email stated that another former member of the same band had passed away a few days ago and the wake was being held tomorrow afternoon. He didn't explain what had happened to him but he repeated what was obviously the obit in the local paper.
Reading that gave me this weird feeling. I think that at sometime in our short lives we have all felt that way. You kind of reflect on things. The band members name was Mark. He was 42. And just to give you a frame of reference, he was 16 and youngest member of the band when we started it. Now you know how long ago it was.
Mark wasn't the bad sort, he was young, talented on the keyboards and into the same kind of music as we all were. we were deadheads. we stared as a tribute band to the Dead and then after a few years expanded into other music as well as originals. Mark never wanted to expand. he was a tried and true deadhead. We all went to the concerts together and we partied together as well, during practices and actual shows, but hey, that's why we sounded so good!
But sometimes, the drugs got in the way. Not for all of us, but mark, being the youngest member and the lead guitarist being the most "garcia" like player, made me soul mates in drugs. And soon it wasn't long before they both blew off practices because they were waiting to find out if they were going to be able to score that night. That eventually brought an end to the group as it was.
It was hard for me at that time because I was so into playing and being on stage. I was only the Bass Player and back up singer. but it was my life then. And i blamed the two of them for taking it away from us, from me. I guess I'm not that must more different from anyone else, and i held a grudge for a while maybe like a year and a half until someone in town was having a party and wanted to get the group together for it. I was of course all for it, but one for the drummers wasn't to much into it and grudgingly agreed to do it. of course we were all happy once we did out first practice. it was like we never stopped playing. It was the greatest feeling, and in my mind I was thinking, if this works, we might even get it together again. Mark was older and he seemed more grounded.
After a few days of practice, the party came up, we got the equipment moved, set up and the party began. somethings never change though. It wasn't a professional gig, it was for fun, but when members of the band are already half lit before the fist set stars, you know there's a problem. It was mark that was the trend setter there. The fist set still sounded great, but as each set went on, it was less and less together. When the party was done, I should have been in a much better mood, and along with two other members took out stuff home, ragging about how the night went. Mark was the problem.
Years went by and two of the other members of the band and myself started an acoustic trio that was good for about four years before one became disenchanted with it. At that time while we were playing, we saw mark come to our shows a number of times, each time offering his valued keyboard to our music. we graciously refused and he would leave with his tail between his legs. He was an alright guy let me reaffirm this, but he had problems that we didn't need to take on the road.
After that band broke up, it was the end for us. none of us played in groups anymore as we all found out real lives with some else. It was ok, although to this day I miss playing. Two years ago, was about the last time i met mark, it was in a market somewhere. we talked briefly and i think we was working in a restaurant somewhere cooking. The last thing he said to me was, "we should get together sometime and play." I smiled at him and nodded. That was the last time i saw him.
Before I started writing this, I stared at the briefly written email that Phil sent me, and all of this stuff played thru it like some old 16mm projector. All those years of playing together, you get to know people really well. Sometimes to well. And sometimes, their brief lives just grazes yours enough to make an impression for a little while. Mark was a good keyboard player that could have been great had he let it happen. he was an alright guy that had just gone a little to far to the wrong side and couldn't find his way back. I can't say that I'll miss him, but he was one of us for a long time. And that's something that you just don't forget. You might misplace it, but you don't forget it.
Maybe I really will try to get to the wake.

Dedicated to Ugly Rumors & Rising Tide...

Better late than never...

Well, I did say it in my first post that I would "try" to keep up with the blog and to my own credit I was true to my word. I did try. But procrastination is always one of those things that's hardest to get past, especially when there are so many other things that you need to do that seem to bit just a bit more important. However, this does give me the chance to fill in anyone that wants to read this with what has happened over the past week or so.

As I work in a retail environment, it was one of the easiest things to notice when the economy started to slide. I know, here he goes hoping up on the economy again. Well, let's just say I have too in this case. It wasn't my intention to do really do that here in this blog, but be that as it may, I am putting in my two cents. And why is that?

I work in a "Staples" office supply store in MA. I wont mention the location just in case this makes its way back to the powers that be. After demoting myself in late 2007 from a full time useless position of a tech dept lead, I ended up becoming a regular full time tech associate, retaining my "lead" pay but without any of the hassles of being in even the slightest position of authority. This began a golden time for me. Associate of the month in 2008 and still holding on to my full time vacation and personal days. But then in the summer, we noticed a change in the amount of customers coming in. Everyday it was less and less. This was the shift to a worsening economy, although no one was willing to admit it at that point.
Christmastime was lackluster and as opposed to the amount of products we got in to the amount we received in the year before was a telltale sign that the company,while not wanting to verbally admit it, was now in the beginning phases of realizing there really was a economic disaster just over the hill. And they acted on it accordingly.

Now a week ago, I was informed that three of us full timers were having our positions eliminated. The manager was heartfelt and nice enough about it, but he was just doing what the corporate directive was telling him to do. It had nothing to do with the fact that i was a great worker and that they wanted to keep me on, no it was just a matter of getting rid of full timers, with of course the stipulation that we could either choose to take an, in my case, one week severance package and then leave the company as of March first, or stay and as of that date become just another part timer, with no guarantee of hours. OH and did I mention that this was told to me 45 Min's before i was scheduled to leave for the day and that I had to let him know by 8:00am the next morning. Not allot of time to stew about it and then try to make a rational decision based on reality. i spoke to my wife and after some deliberation, found that the best thing to do was to stay with them and go part time and to just keep working while I looked for another full time job. So basically, that what we have been doing, just working our schedules and waiting until the change over while we look.
Do you know what that like? It's like waiting for your own execution to happen. You find that your attitude, that was usually pretty well stout everyday, was not in the shit can. You know you have to do your job, but its not the same anymore. plus you know that the company doesn't care about you in the least. All of this is making a great chemical imbalance in my own head and life. I know that I'm just one in a number of thousands with the same story, but when it happens to you, its of course a very personal thing. hence this rant of mine. I really did intend for this to be a little bit shorter, but until you start writing about it, you find that its like going to confession. your afraid to start, but once you start it just pours out of you. So for the record, yours truly is now available for work. I do graphic design and photographic work. There, that's my shameless plug for myself.

Thanks for listening.